Setting the stage…
So my wife Laurie went on a trip to Dallas, TX and left me at home with my two sons, Harrington and Liam, and our three dogs, Tess (Beagle Mix), Wiggles (Poodle Mix), and Jake (Australian Shepard) and I was also dog sitting Luna, my Sarah and Alyson’s dog.
What follows is my daily facebook posts consolidated into a blog post.
Day 1 – Laurie Flew to Dallas
Harrington missed the bus.
I am out of coffee creamer.
Tess just threw up what looks like a month’s worth of food in the middle of my bed.
Be glad I didn’t post a picture of this.
Day 2 – Laurie Flew to Dallas
It’s not even 8. Jake and Luna are playing non-stop and are very loud about it. Not to mention, when Luna runs upstairs and decides she wants to come back down 2 seconds later but can’t… guess who has to go bring her down? I do. I do, like three times in 20 minutes.
And then there is Wiggles. Wiggled who can’t poop one time… but 38 times in quarter size installments dispersed evenly throughout the yard.
And Tess… Who doesn’t need to go out at all… until all the other dogs are in. Then… she has to go out.
Bus record dropped from 66% to 50% after a wardrobe debate.
Liam, who wanted to err on the side of caution, made a quick change that wasn’t quick enough and the bus left us in the dust.
I forgot to get creamer.
Today’s forecast: Wet Magma. And do I have air conditioning in my Ford Explorer?
No, I do not.
Day 3 – Laurie flew to Dallas.
Tess: I have to pee.
Me: Tess, I let you out before we went to bed.
Tess: I’m old dammit. Tell me you haven’t had to pee in the middle of the night!
Jake: Why am I the only one in a prison? (We have a crate for Jake or he would chew us up at night)
Me: Because you are a puppy Jake and you like it in there and, you could chew us up at night if you weren’t.
Jake: Well, need to pee too. Luna, I miss you.
Luna: Sock… I need a sock… (Luna has a sock fetish. She forever holds a sock in her mouth and defends it with her life. I took them away from her.)
Wiggles: I want to try humping something. I think I figured out how to make it work again! (Wiggles is a neutered pervert)
Tess: I need to pee.
Me: Omg you guys. Tess, I will take you out to pee. Jake, fine you can come too.
Wiggles: I can try to pee too.
Luna: Sock… I to want to pee.
After five minutes of running around, Pee happens. Jake and Luna never leave each other’s side and Jake pees on her tail while she is peeing.
Fifty Shades of Yellow.
Sleep is done for me this night/morning.
Got the kids on the bus like a Boss.
First off… Relax, they didn’t die on my watch. In fact, they likely died a decade(ish) ago.
After letting the dogs in from there yard release play time, I found brown (I pray to God it was mud. It was mud.) On not one, but all six of the couch cushions. Nothing on the floor… but on the cushions alone.
So, I stripped the covers off and there was a chicken’s worth of feathers floating around in them… and 35 cents. Only 35 cents.
Anyhow, covers are washing and I did a complete vacuum of the couch!
Also… missing matches to your socks? Look in your couch.
Day 4 – Laurie flew to Dallas.
While he didn’t destroy it as much as he has my last three hats… (Cleveland Indians, Pittsburgh Steelers, and the Pittsburgh Pirates)
…it was mortally wounded. I heard the munching as I was working. I just… didn’t know what it was and didn’t bother to look up. Till finally it just sounded… destructive.
I think I actually heard my hat call out to me, “…help…”
Speak louder next time.
To the trash with you!
You’d think he’d learn after three times not to leave his hat on the floor. It’s not my fault. Chewing is in my job description.
I know I am not the only one that has done this so if you all deny it… well… there isn’t much I can do about it.
Have you ever seen liquid on the floor and you aren’t sure what it is? So you wipe it up with a paper towel, look at it and then smell it to see if you can identify it? Well, I do.
Today there was a pool of something on the floor. It was clear. Not yellow… So I got some paper towels and got on my hands and knees and wiped it up. I looked it and it was clear. So, I go to sniff it.
Apparently, as soon as I got down on my hands and knees, Jake thought it meant I wanted to play. If any of you know Jake, you know he likes to just… run into you. Its like he has tunnel vision.
Anyhow, as I go to sniff the paper towel, Jake plows right into the back of my hand smashing the soggy, gobby mess into my face. I chloroformed myself.
I am 98% sure it was Jake slobber.
I am 100% sure it was gross.
As I was cleaning up the house, I asked Liam to pack his lunch for the field trip tomorrow.
Besides it being 50% cookies… I think its hilarious how he crammed a Dr. Pepper in a plastic baggie.
A clean house.
Day 5 – Laurie flew to Pittsburgh
All is well.